I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
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Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.