Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
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My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶