Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
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College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.