[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
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I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.