You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
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If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
This guy’s not having it 😆
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
What
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.