The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
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The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.