All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
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I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Great Canadian literature.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?