Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
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When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
I came this close!!!!
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?