I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
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No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.