WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
You Might Also Like
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
I’m putting together a team
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.