Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
You Might Also Like
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
This rocks
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!