let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
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*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Sell your car
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*