*looks at you in batman voice*
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Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Here’s a meme
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.