Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
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Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
*pronounces UPS like yoops
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.