My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
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Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.