4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
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If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
operators are standing by to ignore your call