Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
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WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.