Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
You Might Also Like
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.