Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
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Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
*leads a conga line off of a bridge