I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
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Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
I think about this a lot
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly