I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
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ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.