maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
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[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Never forget.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
hear me out : pockets for your socks
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming