Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
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(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers