I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
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This forever.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?