I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
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Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
No laws when master is gone
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground