An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
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me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.