“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
You Might Also Like
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience