Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
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[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?