There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
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You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
every. time.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.