The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
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[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*