When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
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My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
There is no “we” in pizza
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are