“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
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Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion