Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
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Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news