Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
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Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
getting old is fun
smartest karate player in the world
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer