Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
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sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
i- i did not expect this
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.