I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
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“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
I was up all night reading about insomnia
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV