Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
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Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.