5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
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[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks