[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
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“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
How it started How it’s going
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.