Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
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Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️