If only
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CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Blew my mind.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
The first one, obviously
knights of the ikea table
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!