“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
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My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!