They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
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My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.