Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
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I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Lucky for them, they’re cute
i’m still crying at this
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.