Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
You Might Also Like
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Carpe DM
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!