[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
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My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me