if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
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My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
this isn’t threatening at all
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.