My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
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Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
I hate everything
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.