Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
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Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*