It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
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On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days